How does Murphy, and his law, always know when your spouse is deployed?
Have you heard of “Murphy’s law”? It goes something like this, “when your spouse is gone something will go wrong”. Well, Murphy, universe, master of Karma… I want to know when enough is enough! I am going to call these deployment debacles because I am not in the least bit dramatic about anything (this should read “I am extremely dramatic and maybe have a tendency to overact”).
Deployment Debacle #1
Mice in the garage. This was a good one to start out with; it was creepy enough, but not too terrible. I set traps with peanut butter and thought, “whew problem solved!” I did not think about getting rid of trap with a dead mouse in it. NOT as easy and not pleasant.
Deployment Debacle #2
Nest of flies. You may be an entomologist and argue with me that flies do not actually have nests. Well, they changed their mind at my house. I went away for a lovely week on the coast, returned and happily parked my car in the driveway, opened the garage and noticed the ENTIRE garage floor was covered in dried black beans. I thought to myself, wow, I must have spilled a bag of dried beans in here (which is a testament to my denial of disgusting situations, because surely I would have remembered buying a bag of dried beans and then spilling them….).Upon further investigation, I discovered they were dead flies – HUNDREDS OF THEM. After a few squeals of disgust, I used our leaf blower to get them out of the garage, and then (take a deep breath and make sure you are not eating) I opened the trash can and it was FULL OF MAGGOTS. Dear goodness, it was a maggot breeding ground. After I died a little inside, I poured bleach and water mixture in there and then hosed out the trash can, all the while squealing and gagging. (My neighbors think I am CRAZY).
Deployment Debacle #3
Gophers. The gophers have been the toughest vermin yet. I noticed a GIANT gopher mound on one side of my yard and quickly Googled how to get rid of them, as I am in the beginning stages of “flooding them out” my neighbor comes out and sees what I am doing and stops me. She says there is an easier way to get rid of gophers, stick Juicy Fruit into their hole. Apparently, they eat it and then they die (I am sorry to the animal lovers, this sounds mean, you can be assured it didn’t work). Hoping the juicy fruit diet was fatal, I wait a few days and when there are two more mounds, I revert back to the flooding method. The goal here is to stick the hose down one hole and wait at the other hole with a shovel to bop them on the head when they come out. So here I am, in the 110 degree heat, with a shovel poised to kill something. I could have made this scene even classier to my neighbors by showing my pregnant belly with a fake cigarette hanging out of my mouth and yelling “Imma gunna get you buggers”! But like I mentioned earlier, they already believe I am crazy. Flooding didn’t work, no gophers came out (I was hoping the whack a mole days at the arcade as a kid could have helped me here, but alas, I haven’t been able to use those skills). Next step, set traps. Thank goodness for you tube which can teach you how to do practically anything. So I dig out the mound, finding the two divergent tunnels, and placed traps in each of them covered in peanut butter (because have you met anyone/thing that didn’t love peanut butter?). 24 hours later, the traps are released but have caught no gophers. Instead they have moved to the other side of my driveway and are now ruining the other side of the lawn. I begin digging another mound to place traps when a different (less helpful) neighbor comes out and proceeds to ignore the fact I am digging up gopher holes and asks me “ Who does your lawn?” and the proud female with the attitude-I can take care of everything while my husband is deployed- exclaims “Me! I do”. He crushed my hopes and dreams and says plainly “It looks really bad, you need a lawn guy. I can give you a number”. This is the part where I mention is so HOT outside and I am PREGNANT. So, rationally, I burst into tears. Now my neighbors are judging me for being crazy and bad at edging. This is when I hired a lovely man from a pace called Gopher Grabbers. Yep. They exist. A company specifically designed to rid you of your gopher infestation. They get the gophers, preventing them from doing any more burrowing under your driveway and potentially compromising the foundation of your home. Who knew gophers could be such a menace? This man, throughout the month, got rid of the gopher FAMILY who moved it. There were seriously babies. WHY my house? Get the guy who thinks my lawn looks bad.
Deployment Debacle #4
I should be thankful this is (knock on wood, rub a rabbit’s foot, cross your fingers) the last debacle. I went on an extended road trip back to Texas and upon my return, face an infestation of beetles. Tiny, rice sized flying beetles that seem to have made it inside from underneath the storm doors we have leading out of the kitchen. So, much to my delight, there were hundreds of tiny flying beetles in the kitchen and living room! After running around screaming with a vacuum, bleaching the entire kitchen, emptying the water reservoir in my coffee maker (conveniently now filled with bugs)and cleaning the stove and microwave (seriously, they were in the microwave-HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN), I think I have somewhat of a handle on them. I am still vacuuming multiple times a day when I find more, or frantically brushing them off as they land on my laptop screen, but I think the worst has past.
In reality, am I so glad these were things that I could handle? YES. DO I understand these are not real disasters, just minor extremely creepy inconveniences? YES. Do they make for really good stories? YES. Do I hope not one more creepy crawly things come anywhere near the house every again? Oh yes I do. Watch out mice, gophers, flies and bugs, I will win some way or another.