I would highly recommend not having any one over for at least 2-3 weeks. Not only for you and your husband reconnecting but if your husband is saying "no" I would take that as what he needs! It is a big adjustment coming back from war and you need to see your husbands needs are met first before what the families wants. If he wants a vacation I would recommend doing this. Most men the last thing they want when they come back from war is entertain people even there own family. If your husband is anything like mine he will need his space even from you. It is just a huge adjustment and I would just go with what he wants.
My husband and I had this same debate this last time around. I felt the EXACT way you did. I told him I was fine with them coming but they could not stay in our house. Homecomings are a wonderful and beautiful time but that time belongs to you and him. My husband made the call and said that he wanted it to just be us when he got off the plane and that we would see them in a couple weeks over block leave. He surprised me when he decided that but it made me feel so much better!
I understand what you are going through. My husband is about to come home from his third deployment any day now. Unfortunately for us, we live in the same town as his and my family so even if we tell them we don't want visitors yet they can still stop by unannounced. Luckily, my mother-in-law is respectful in that manner my father-in-law and his wife are not. My husbands usually requires vegging on the couch and spending time with the kids and me for the first few days. What we do though, after his few days of vegging we have a welcome home get-together/celebration so everyone can see him at the same time and then we let everyone know that we need some family time and he will call when he is ready to to have one on one visits. I think it should be your husband's choice. If he is saying he wants/needs to do a weekend getaway and then see family then that is what you should do. Sometimes family (especially if they have never personally been through a separation like this) do not understand how stressful it is and how important it is for your soldier to have time to recuperate and reconnect with his family (wife and kids) before being thrown into such a reunion. I would discuss it with your husband and then let your/his family know what his wishes are. He deserves to have that choice after all he has been through.
I definitely sya let them know right away how you fee and ask them to wait for a week or so. I used to ave this problem with my MIL when my husband and i first got married, she wanted to be in EVERY single important moment in our lives and it caused alot of conflict with my husband and I. So we decided no more secrets and told my MIL exactly how we felt. My husband is in Korea right now and i am happy that when he comes back we can have that alone time with our son without having to worry about his mother butting in! Sometimes they just dont understand that although ihe may be her son, as a mother you prepare yourself for your children to leave, but as a military wife its something you adjust to and as much as they miss him, you and your children miss him even more! Just explain and if they dont understand, then they are just being selfish and then you just need to shut off the phones when ur hubby gets back! Haha!
I'm the Active duty member and my wife and I have gone through this. Family is very important, but at the end of the day you and your husband need your alone time. Parents and other family members should not be present at the homecoming. That time is dedicated to you and your spouse. Unfortunately, in-laws can sometimes be manipulative. I made the mistake of not taking a stand for what my priorities are. Its your husbands place to approach his mom and let her know that they can spend time together, but that first week is reserved for the two of you.
Well I guess I am just mean..... i told everyone they had to wait till we could come to them! But I also had my soldier deply 5 days after our son was born, so they didnt really know eachother! I told his and my family I thought it was best if they got to know each other first and that we would come home for the 4 of July. They didnt really like it but they understood. It saved all of them the money too! Instead of buying hotel rooms and plane tickets everybody just took turns feeding us and gettting to visit us as a family instead of just our soldier.